In honor of Zach Johnson’s unlikely win yesterday at the grand daddy of them all, The Masters, I took half the afternoon off of work and watched Caddyshack. It is a film that is quite possibly the single greatest sports comedy of all time. Ted Knight as Judge Smails, Chevy Chase as the incomparable Zen golfer Ty Webb and of course, Bill Murray as pro looper turned assistant green’s keeper Carl Spackler. For my money, there are very few movies out there with as many solid one liners. In honor of that, I have hand picked my ten favorite lines from the film. Hopefully you agree…

10. Al Czervik (Rodney Dangerfield): Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I’ve had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

9. Judge Smails: Spalding get your foot off the boat!

8. Judge Smails: Wrong, you’re drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name’s Fred and I’m a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You’re not a man, you’re a bishop, for God’s sakes.
Bishop: There is no God…

7. Mrs. Smails: Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?

6. Al Czervik: [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish, okay?

5. Judge Smails: It’s easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you’ve got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.

4. Lacey Underall: My uncle says you’ve got a screw loose.
Ty Webb: Your uncle molests collies.

3. Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out… You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean… You know who that guy was Danny?
Danny Noonan: No.
Ty Webb: Take one good guess.
Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?
Ty Webb: Ha ha… No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.

2. Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don’t keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.

1. Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

A simple homage to a classic and a little bit of fun for your Monday evening. For more great Caddyshack quotes, check this page out.

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